Just Can't Do It

I need to keep reminding myself of all the hard things that come with being a new mom: diaper changes, schedules that dictate what you do and when you do it, sleepless nights and crying.

I need to keep reminding myself of how good things are in my life: I have two healthy children, a girl and a boy, that make me smile everyday. They can entertain themselves in the morning (most days) when I want a few extra minutes of sleep, they are completely potty trained and we can do just about anything we want to fill our days.

And yet I can't do it. I can't put away toys they've outgrown without getting emotional, remembering when we bought it/got it as a gift/they played with it. I can't put away clothes they've outgrown without tearing up, knowing the reality that another child of mine might never wear the outfit again. The thought of donating these things or selling them is out of the question right now. There are too many memories attached to those things. I can't hear someone else announcing their pregnancy without a twinge of jealousy that they are experiencing what I think is one of the most wonderful events in life. I wish there was a magical cure-something I could take that would take away the pull I feel between being perfectly content with my family of 4 and that of wanting one more sibling for Sophia and Andrew.